My Zombie Safe House – Where would you go at the end of the world?

Obviously this is a stupid question that I don’t expect anyone to answer for a number of reasons. First of all, with all the ways the world could end, zombie apocalypse is unlikely to be the one. Secondly of course, officially Zombies don’t exist (although Russia is reportedly developing a serum that turns people into Zombies so maybe you should keep reading just to be safe). Thirdly and most importantly, I don’t expect anyone to tell us publicly where there Zombie hideout is likely to be as it would be stupid to give out that information in public! If you do, don’t come crying to be when you are under siege or worse still, locked outside your safe-house because a fellow blogger has got in there first. I’m sure we are all nice folks here but the end of the world can do funny things to people.

Going by the leading authorities on Zombie attacks, the films of George Romero and other latter day films such as the 28 Day Later series, Shaun of The Dead and the new World War Z movie; if we wake up to a Zombie outbreak we have two basic choices. To stayput and hope for the best or to make a run for it to a safer location.

By safer, generally when we are talking Zombies we mean more isolated. With very few instances only people seem to be prone to erupting from the grave though there are reported instances of animals or even vehicles taking a turn for the worse.

What choice you make largely depends on your location. If you live in a city such as London or New York then on the face of it you are really screwed. Millions of people mean millions of Zombies. Being stuck on London Underground in the rush hour is a big enough nightmare but when flesh-eating zombies get onto the escalators, it isn’t going to pretty and you just know that if you make it to the surface then the person in front won’t be able to open the ticket barriers.

The only long-term solution is to hide-up in a high-rise building with a very secure entrance or in a locked up shopping centre or sports arena where you should also have the bonus of having a food supply.

If you live in the suburbs like me then you are probably torn over what to do. I don’t blame you, it keeps me awake at night sometimes too though not I suspect as much as it would do if Zombies were walking the streets outside. We probably have enough food to not have to leave our house for 2 or 3 months and presuming Zombie contaminants don’t infiltrate the water supply we are doing ok. Of course that is a superficial re-assurance and I don’t take too much heart from that as within days it would be possible that the power stations that power the water pumps stop working as all their workers have been eaten. So unless I want to live through this disaster on diet coke cans then it would be necessary to get some water. It is 1.2 miles to the canal which is an eternity to collect water and knowing my look we would have a drought to stop us collecting our own water.

Even if we managed to presume we had enough supplies, could we live for weeks or possibly months without anyone noticing us. We might only have a few hundred people in the neighbourhood so if things went well we probably could go unnoticed but if any survivors tried to enter the house they would probably lead the Zombies right to us.

Therefore, my longer term strategy would be to consider fleeing to a more isolated area. Our car is parked just across the street and providing the Zombies don’t appear when the parents are double parked and collecting their children from school, it should be easy enough to get going.

I’m not giving anyone advice here, if Zombies do break out and somehow you follow my tactics and only partially survive, I don’t want anyone suing me. We’re all grown ups. Living in a desert area, I would get to an oasis and survive on dates, fish and bananas which wouldn’t be my first choice as I don’t really like fish or bananas. I think if I lived in North America or Asia then I would head for the highest, forested and most defend-able strongholds and make yourself a little fort. Best of all would be to find yourself a little and preferably deserted island off-shore or on a river or lake. Zombies can’t generally swim. Britain is an island which is good (so long as the Zombies don’t only appear here in which case we are royally shafted) but on the bad side the 65 million people here are almost certainly likely to get zombified one way or the other.

The chances of me making it to a remote off-shore island are pretty remote, the roads to the ferry terminals are always busy at the best of times and anyone who has watched the films knows that the main roads are always the first place that get clogged up and then that is the end of you.

I could try visiting the old WW2 bunker which is just 2 miles walk away and it also has a narrow lane that goes straight there. If I could get there then all well and good, it is totally defend-able but sadly it lays right next to a hospital from an old insane asylum grave-yard which is said to include the grave of a suspect of being Jack The Ripper… I definitely don’t want to bump into him. Can you imagine that, as zombies go, Jack would just be a total and utter nightmare.

There are all manner of natural and man-made fortresses just off the coast of Southern England which would make great refuges but, anyone with half a brain (well a full brain as a half brain means you’ve been eaten by Zombies) who lives by the sea will have already grabbed them.

There are plenty of Nuclear bunkers across North American, the UK and Europe and these would make an ideal hide-out except of course that you have to know where they are. Even if you find one then you have to hope it no longer has military personnel guarding otherwise you can bet your bottom dollar that the sentry will let in his best friend whose girlfriends brother will eventually turn into a Zombie.

My plan is to go to the northern Pennines area. There are lots of good points about this, none more than the fact that much of it has no people in it. It’s also an area that I know quite well. As long as you don’t mind being cold and eating sheep and grouse then I think it is a great place to wait out the Zombies. There are hundreds of abandoned stone shepherd huts and no Zombie worthy of the name is going to go searching the moors just on the off-chance of finding me.

The hardest part will be getting there. It is 300 miles through very crowded areas. I can only think that the my best chance of making it is to take the local roads and avoid motorways altogether. Maybe with a bike in the boot just in case using the car becomes impossible during the journey.

Obviously I’d love to tell you exactly where I am going to but that would be telling.

Zombie outbreaks aren’t forever. Zombies can be killed, generally by separating their head from their body. Once the initial outbreak of Zombies catches everyone off-guard, providing you can survive long enough then usually the Military will get on top of things but this can take several months. It’s also important to have a clear indication that you are human and not a Zombie. Far too many people die at the end of movies because they are mistaken for the undead and either get shot by an American marine or get blown away by a RAF jet. Don’t let it happen to you.

Basic Zombie Survival Guide

1. Make sure you are armed at all times. If like me, you live in a country with no fire-arms then cricket bats, baseball bats or golf clubs are always a good way to take-out a Zombie.

2. Always make sure if you steal a car, it has some fuel in it. The noise of a car engine failing to start-up is a sure sign to Zombies that there is food in the area.

3. If you ever meet with other stragglers, my advice is to ditch them. They will argue with you, use your supplies and more often than not cause an argument which will get an innocent person killed, your hide-out to be discovered or your car to hit a tree or building.

4. No matter how long you have known someone. If one of your friends starts suffering from a headache, fever or looks at you in a hungry, longing stare, lose them. Under no circumstances turn your back on anyone.

If you have any comments or other tips to survive a Zombie onslaught. Remember Zombies are possible, people who say otherwise are trying to lull you into a false sense of security. Simple pre-planning now might just save your life.