How football sounds to people that just don’t care

I thought I would issue a bonus post today seeing as it took very little effort 🙂  I can’t claim credit for the text below just as I can’t track down where it originated from but I hope some of you will like it.

With the World Cup Football tournament looming and the football seasoning just ending I thought this was quite funny and can relate to it as someone who likes a bit of sport but even for my own team don’t believe it should feature in daily life/news.  I have removed some of the industrial language.

If football/soccer isn’t popular in your country, I’m sure you can substitute it for NFL/Hockey/IPL.  The funny thing is that as someone really into history and archaeology, I get annoyed with the obsession over Egyptian mummies, pyramids and Pharaohs.

Firstly, imagine every time within a day that football is mentioned by someone else. Secondly, replace it with something that you don’t want to hear about every day. Say… Archeology. Then, think carefully about how an average day would pan out.

So, you awaken to the clock radio. It’s 7AM. Just as you awaken, it’s time for the news and archaeology already. Not news and other historical investigations, like library restorations or museum openings (unless there’s another event happening), but just the news and archeology. Malaysian plane is still missing. Pistorius is still on trial. New dig announced in Giza. Ancient Mayan temple discovered. Exciting stuff.

Time for a bite to eat over the morning TV. More news. More archaeology. Yes, you are aware of what is up with the missing plane. Fine. Now the archaeology in video format. Video of people dusting off some skulls and bits of pottery. All well and good, but archaeology isn’t your thing. It would be nice to hear about something else.

Even when it isn’t archaeology season, the media follow noted archaeologists. They drive fast cars, date beautiful women, advertise fragrances, and sometimes they go to nightclubs and act in the worst possible way. Scandals erupt as the tabloids follow these new celebrities when they’re not searching the past for answers. It is entirely possible you can recite the names of certain researchers, even if you don’t pay attention to archaeology. You don’t know what transfer season is, but you know that someone was transferred to a dig in Peru for a sum of money that could fund the London Underground for two whole days.

Out of the car at 8:55 and into work. What are the colleagues talking about, I wonder? Oh, Jones dropped a 3,890 year old pot and smashed it? What a useless idiot! Someone should do something unpleasant to him. And don’t even ask about the unfortunate incident in Athens two years ago – you’ll be there all day! Breaking a pillar like that! We don’t talk about that here, mate. What? You don’t want to discuss the finer points of the prevalence of phallic imagery in Pompeii? Is there something wrong with you?

The drive home from work. Every thirty minutes, no matter the station, someone mentions the archaeology. Best sit in silence. Drive past a huge billboard with a black and white picture of a rakishly handsome archaeologist draped over an impossibly beautiful woman. He’s winking at you. Trowel in his left hand, supermodel in the right. Jurassic, by Calvin Klein.

And now the pub. A nice pub with a beer garden. Posters in the windows. LIVE EXCAVATION AT THE VALLEY OF THE KINGS! All of it on a huge TV with the volume up too loud. Drunken people yelling at the screen. “SEND IT FOR CARBON DATING, YOU USELESS FOOL!” “WHAT ARE YOU ON, MATE? DUST THE ANCIENT MEDALLION GENTLY! SMELTING METHODS OF THE TIME PRODUCED VERY SOFT AND IMPURE METALS EASILY PRONE TO DISFIGURATION!” All this from two men out of a crowd of twenty. One lousy drunken idiot and his chum ruin the image of other archaeology fans. Carbon dating report from the lab updates on TV, read by a man employed because they’ve been following the beautiful science since they were a boy. The drunk chimes in again. “WHAT PHARAOH’S REIGN DID YOU SAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT THE UNDERPINNINGS OF OUR THEORY OF AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT OF 4TH BC EGYPT? GET IN, MATE!” A cheer cascades through the building and you can only wonder why.

Best go home and avoid anyone who might be drinking and singing. You once met a disagreeable chap who threatened to beat you up because you didn’t watch the archaeology. “Not a late paleolithic era supporter are you? Think you’re better than me? I’ll have you, you scrawny git!”

To bed. To repeat the cycle tomorrow. The inescapable, inevitability that wherever you go, someone, somewhere, is just dying to talk to you about the archaeology.

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About Stephen Liddell

I am a writer and traveller with a penchant for history and getting off the beaten track. With several books to my name including a #1 seller, I also write environmental, travel and history articles for magazines as well as freelance work. Recently I've appeared on BBC Radio and Bloomberg TV and am waiting on the filming of a ghost story on British TV. I run my own private UK tours company (Ye Olde England Tours) with small, private and totally customisable guided tours run by myself!
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16 Responses to How football sounds to people that just don’t care

  1. Mad parallel universe! Would love to go there:) I’m lucky though. Not much World Cup talk in my corner of the world (Seattle).

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    • It is crazy isn’t it and only when you substitute archeology for football does it show up what a mad world we live in. Always football, football, football. Never badminton or rowing. How its become the norm for the same sport to be on every news bulletin, all over the internet, newspapers and advertising billboards when it simply doesn’t matter compared to almost any other news story. Take it from me, you’ll be so glad you’re in Seattle than Europe or South America this summer! Thanks for commenting 🙂

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  2. I entirely agree. For India substitute Cricket for football. I was an avid follower until a decade ago when match fixing scandals and so apparent yet illegal betting on cricket matches reduced it to horse race which I knew nothing about.
    But humour was well brought out in your article.
    Did you say you did not write it?

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    • I am a big fan of cricket too but it now gets very little coverage in the U.K. in comparison to football. Also I prefer Test Cricket or One Day Cricket rather than 20-20 cricket and like you am unhappy about the match fixing.

      I’m sad to say I didn’t write this but saw a poster on Facebook with the text on it. Thanks for commenting Sandeep!

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  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    I “dig” this Stephen. I am doubled up because of laughter. Thanks for sharing. and for showing me the mirror just before the World Cup.

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    • Thanks Ankur. It’s just the funniest thing. I particularly like the part about seeing an archeologist on an advertising billboard with models and perfumes. How bizarre but maybe how much better it would be if scientists, doctors and writers were adored as much as footballers and cricketers.

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  4. Boyer Writes says:

    Stephen, I loved this because I am a wife that knows that my husband does his best sleeping with the ballgame is resounding in the background. After all, he needs his rest…and since I am not a sports fan, I tolerate most anything. In fact, my first date with him was a little deceptive in that he asked me to attend a sports event and of course, I said, “I’d love to…”.when I really hated the noise and the sometimes bad-mouthing that went on in the stands. To love it must be mostly a male thing.(and of course, a money-making thing)..and since I’ve been married over 30 years now, I love the man that goes with the game. I tell him to ” just call me if anything really great is happening..”.and I’ll watch for a minute or two. Somehow there seems to be more important things in the world to dwell upon, but then with all the horrors going on throughout the world, sports talk and watching is probably the one thing that keeps society sane…or mostly sane. Enjoy!

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    • I’m so glad that you enjoyed it. I like watching sport too but my wife hates and so we both make allowances. She won’t ever ask me not to watch something I want and I won’t ever have sport on just because its sport, it has to be something I really want to watch.

      In reality it turns into me watching Wimbledon which is ok as she doesn’t mind that and most of it is aired before she is home from work. My own football team which is maybe four or five 2 hour segments in the entire year. Cricket when she is out and the football World Cup. However it has to be something I’m interested in. Just because Germany are playing Brazil or Manchester United against Chelsea and all the media is obsessed with it then that is likely the games I don’t care about.

      I think it must be mainly a male thing. Maybe a left over from wars and tactics and physical combat. That said my wife quite likes watching Rugby which is a very rough sport.

      As you say, there are so many more important things to concentrate upon and maybe for so long as there are then sport will keep the world relatively sane!

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  5. That is fabulous – so clever (and I am writing as a football fan, although I don’t watch very often!).

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  6. Reblogged this on fionaandsimonincanada and commented:
    With the fact that the World Cup is coming up soon I read this and loved – so very clever and funny! Enjoy! I am off to Toronto shortly to pick up Jean soon – we are looking forward to showing her the sights of Peterborough and taking her to the Arrowsmith Programme so she can meet the wonderful teachers and Simon’s fellow students.

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  7. Wonderful! To highlight an important fact, there is an issue with food security on our planet. I wish this was discussed as much as football. The new idea is eating insects, as apparently to create 1kg of insects takes 10% less energy than creating 1kg of beef. Insects have better nutritional value, as they have more protein and other important trace metals such as zinc. This was highlighted on the longitudinal prize on Horizon (BBC). Sometimes, I feel rather alone when I worry about these issues….I’d like to insert food security or availability for water. It would be great if we could get half hourly updates. I wonder if the over-developed human brain would be able to cope?

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  8. Pingback: Here we go ….. | A Mouse's Fart

  9. What a fantastic piece! I love it! I just shared it one facebook and twitter!!!

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  10. Pingback: Episode 10: Listeners’ Choice! Football and Passion | Positive Feedback Loop

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