Venting spleen against the spammers

If like me, you probably get more spam than legitimate email.   I’ve been on the internet since before the World Wide Web and I think I’m in the position to say that the quality of business spammers could be better.  I remember when the sons of illegitimately deposed presidents and wives of deceased African generals would be tugging at my heart strings and in a way that would very soon make me legitimagtely very rich for only a small monetary outlay.

These days, I seem to get lots of emails like this one below from Alen Fraser of Crushader Tech.   I thought I’d give him and them a piece of my mind.

Hello,    Team;

Hope you are doing well.
My Name is Alen SEO expert. As per my analysis, your website is not performing well in the Google organic search as well as your traffic / visitor is poor from the last couple of months due to some of the reasons. 

You might know about the frequent Google updates and as per the latest update, Google has completely dropped all authorship functionality from the search results and webmaster tools. So be careful with it and take the help of an SEO company to fix it.

Hi Alen, nice to hear from you not.  I appreciate that you think you might improve your chances of my purchasing your services by indicating that I am so stupid that I can’t work out what your name is without highlighting it.    Are you an idiot?

Also, there is no team, it is just me.  If you checked me out properly you would know that.  It’s not like I answer emails and use different names on my signatures or dress up in costumes when I give tours so that I can pretend there is a team.  It’s just me Alen…. is it just you too?


Some of the aspects are given below:

Your back links are not good enough, which affects link popularity.

Oh ok, I will take your word for it.

Some of the competitive Keywords are not on the first page of Google, Yahoo and Bing, which affects visibility.

I don’t think you’ve actually type in Ye Olde England Tours into the search engine. Try it and you will see I take up the entire first page on Google.  Guess my team is better than I thought.

What's that? My company Ye Olde England Tours monopolises the first page of the search rankings? But... but that would mean that Alen from Crushaders Tech is either a liar, incompetent or just wrong. Which could it be.... perhaps all three?

What’s that? My company Ye Olde England Tours monopolises the first page of the search rankings? But… but that would mean that Alen from Crushaders Tech is either a liar, incompetent or just wrong. Which could it be…. perhaps all three?

 

Errors and issues found in your website.

Aww man, I must have hired that same dimwit who wrote your emails!

BTW, check your video promo on Youtube.  You spell it Strategy, unless spelling leywords in your video promo is your ‘Strategi’   Don’t read anything into the fact that I highlighted that word for you Alen.  No really don’t.

Good Blogs, Articles and Press Release are not found for your website.

That would be the blog posts that get met well over 100,000 visitors a year would it… all from one person… me 🙂

Your website overall SEO score affected due to no online promotion.

Apart from being featured on Trip Advisor, Get Your Guide… having one of the top personal blogs in the U.K.   having a number 1 selling book on Amazon, being featured on the BBC and Bloomberg…. yeah, I guess I have a shoddy attitude and really need to pull my socks up.

Your website generates less traffic as compare to your competitor.

What does this sentence even mean?  ‘Compare to you competitor’? I doubt you’d know my competitors if one bit you on your arse.

 

Presence of low quality inbound link.

Que?   You want me to pay you money for your services based on this???

 

Never utilizing your Google analytics and webmaster.

But at the top of the email you mention how Google has dropped all functionality from it?  Seems to me that I should count myself lucky that I didn’t waste my time with all of that and just used the free WordPress tools.  I know they aren’t what you want to hear because you can’t charge me for them.  I’m just happy with a 400% growth in my business in the last 2 years so I guess I will make do without them.

 

Area of Improvement

^^^^ So there is only one?

We will give you 1st page ranking on Google, Yahoo, and Bing.Improve your sales and brand value.

Thanks so much but if you even typed Ye Olde England Tours into Google you will see that it takes up ever slot of the first page on Google.

Improve your sales and brand value.

^^^ Oh ok, there is more than one area of improvement… you just can’t write.  Maybe I can provide you with some high quality blogs and articles… I’m a published author and historian you know.

 

We will recover from the recent Panda 4.2 Google updates.

I’m glad that you will recover from Panda 4.2 Google updates as man, that sounds bad.  Thank heavens it doesn’t bother me in the slightest.  Maybe when you recover from that Panda issue, you might be in a better position to help me out?

 

We will provide you high quality Blogs, Articles and Press Release for your website.

I know you mean well but I think I will stick my own blogs and articles.  I’m very happy to take lessons from anyone and especially have talented people write for me but unless you have more book sales than I have then I’m not buying it… But if JK Rowling is on your team then I might consider it.

Increase your traffic flow.

 

What, isn’t 112,000 a year for one guy enough for you?

Target your local as well as global market to increase business.

Yesss, because there are lots of people in London who want tours of London.   You’re not the sharpest tool in the box are you Alen?
We will be optimizing your website in the major search engines like: Google, Yahoo & Bing, which results in improvements in keyword ranking, traffic, link popularity, goal conversion, and ROI from the first month.

Why don’t you start by optimising your email… I’m in the U.K.  For the best chance of success, you should really spell the words correctly as your hoped for clients use them.

Please reply back to get the “Company profile”, “Service details”, “Pricing”, “Client testimonial” “Proposal”, Free Website Audit Report.

Don’t hold your breath.

Thanks & Regards, 
Alen Fraser

Business Development Manager
Skype Id: sales.serp

Ph- (315) 557-0509 

Note: If you are not interested, please email with the subject line “Remove” and I will happy to update my data base

 

Screen Shot 2016-08-30 at 19.15.12.png

Crushaders Tech…. quality spammers at a price you really shouldn’t pay.  Still, got to love their strategi.  I wonder what an Analyzator is, I’m going to email them!! 🙂

 

^^^ Believe me Alen, you poor excuse for a spammer.  I really could not be less interested.  Why am I even on your data base?  I have never, ever signed up to any business services.  I built my company entirely up by myself and as you obviously found me then I have no use for such fraudsters.

In what other line of life do I have to opt out of something I have never shown interest in?  You have no value whatsoever?   People don’t opt out of my tours, they have to buy them as they have value?   I don’t opt out of free food or free money from banks as these thinks are valuable.  People like you make me sick.

Why don’t you do what I did and work hard to create a business with value, that requires talent and contributes to the greater good of the world incase of bumming off people with actual talent.  That would be my strategi if I were you.  Why not email me $10,000 and I can help show you where you are going wrong.

You might want to try emailing Alen yourself at Alen Fraser <alenfraser06@gmail.com   For some reason though, unlike myself, his email doesn’t show up on Google.  He is either a low-life (and I’m not saying he’s a criminal…) with a fake email address or he needs to hire someone to improve his SEO.

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About Stephen Liddell

I am a writer and traveller with a penchant for history and getting off the beaten track. With several books to my name including a #1 seller, I also write environmental, travel and history articles for magazines as well as freelance work. Recently I've appeared on BBC Radio and Bloomberg TV and am waiting on the filming of a ghost story on British TV. I run my own private UK tours company (Ye Olde England Tours) with small, private and totally customisable guided tours run by myself!
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2 Responses to Venting spleen against the spammers

  1. sarij says:

    Oh Stephen, thank you! This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in weeks. I appreciate your wit. Have you herd of James Veitch? His comedy is based on answering spam e-mails. I highly doubt these are real (0h if only) but I thought of him and his humor as I read your post. Well done sir, well done.
    Here is a link to Veitch. Enjoy

    Liked by 1 person

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