Those of you who follow my blog closely may have noticed that I haven’t posted much since I was on my holiday. There are no particular reasons for this except I have had lots of non-blog things to do since my return which have taken up every waking hour for the last week or two.
I enjoyed my weeks holiday immensely even though in typical style I was busy almost every minute of it. I still have a few more blogs to write one day about other places to see. A friend told me how she admires how I make the most of every moment of my holidays and it is very true. I totally love being away from home and doing what I want to do rather than what I am told to do or compelled to do. I even made 3 stop-offs to see different tourist attractions on the drive home.
I seem to have a general sense of unease at the moment due to several factors, all out of my control. It is now 6 months since my dearest Mama died. I still think of her just about every second of every day. I know she would be very happy for me with the steps I am taking to change my life.
I miss her lots and have much I would like to tell her. A lot of things I can guess what she would say. She would have liked the nice summer weather we had but she would have got sick of the heat after a few weeks. No doubt we would have had a few BBQs in our garden at weekends which she would have enjoyed a great deal. She might even have had a small tipple as she loved any excuse just to have a little drink with my wife. Whenever she came here, she was pretty much waited on hand and foot.
Perhaps once a year I would take her to the cinema to see what she would say is a nice film. A nice film to her generally involves hardly anyone dying unless tragically and if possibly from a disease, no bad language and a story so saccharine that just by watching it, your teeth could go bad and fall out. I’m sure she would have liked my most watched films of the year so far, Star Trek and Olympus Has Fallen. She may well have liked Place Beyond The Pines and would have loved The Great Gatsby.
Bizarrely for such a small and gentle lady, she loves horror films and when I was a child we would watch them together. I remember watching Halloween not long after it came out in the 70’s. I was only about 3 years old and have loved horror films ever since. She would have quite enjoyed watching The Purge and probably The Call which I saw a few days which I really enjoyed. Funnily enough there were just 4 other people in the auditorium and they were all old ladies. One of whom thought it was slightly too violent in places but all 4 of them went out of the cinema talking excitedly about what a great film they had seen. It made me think of someone special and made me smile.
People may remember the unusual event that occurred when I went to say goodbye to my mother. She often believed in slightly supra-natural happenings and when I went to see her a few after she had died and touched her hand, the lights in the room flickered off twice. I knew instantly that was a message to me. Another one of her things was that whenever she saw a white feather that she assigned it to be one of her our parents to be around keeping an eye on her. Well in the last few months I have had no end of white feathers coming across my path. I come across them even in rooms where the window has been shut for weeks and which are regularly hoovered and dusted. Very bizarre!
I still miss her in every way even though to most other people, life seems to have returned to normal and who can blame them. Everyone will have similar things to deal with sooner or later. My situation might have been more tragic than many but not so sad as others in Syria for example.
Everything reminds me of her, what I do, what I hear, things I smell. Commercials on television, plants in the garden, foods that I eat. I recently remembered and often think of how about for 20 years, every night before she went to bed she would open the door a crack and say “I love you little Steve”. She would also be one of a select few people who would buy me little gifts for no reason at all. Not all of them did I like or even want but all of them I appreciated and now that there haven’t been any for 6 months they are also missed.
Whenever she would come to visit, which she would do with incredible regularity no matter how busy we were, she would always leave the living room where everyone was talking and come and see what I was doing. We had nearly 40 years of in-jokes, in truth the jokes were all mine but she always laughed at them and I would just have to say a word or two or pull a face and even in a busy room, she would start giggling to herself.
She was only 5’2″ tall and being her “number 1 son”, I had been lifting her up to give her a strong cuddle often several times a day since I was about 12. She would always squeal but I have been told she probably loved every minute of it.
I always get a bit melancholy in the autumnal months, everything is winding down, getting colder and darker. I am glad that I don’t have to go to work in that awful place that I have done these last few years. Getting up at 5.30am in the dark from the end of July to May is soul-destroying and I would look forward to Christmas like a thirsty person in a desert looks forward to an oasis. Most people match-up winter with dark mornings and working there I had dark mornings for about 9 months of the year.
It will be an interesting few months with wedding anniversaries, Christmas and my birthday all in the next 3 months. By interesting of course I mean, it’s not going to be the best Christmas or birthday ever. I will be 40 in December and will celebrating without the person most responsible for me getting here at all.
Nevertheless, I have one or two amazing, brilliant friends and several more wonderful friends I have met from blogging. Last but not least, my ever so lovely wife. 7 years ago I would have expected to reach 40 without a wife but with a mother. Life can be so unexpected, some for very bad reasons, others for very wonderful ones.
So here I am, just thinking about times past and sharing a few memories with my very special readers.