I don’t know about you but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the invasion of Ukraine and a huge part of me wants to help-out. Not just in the donating clothes and powerpacks way but to actually go there and fight.
I feel such disillusionment with my own country and despise the government and people like Boris Johnson with every fibre of my being for deliberately making me Excluded for 2 years and typically as with the people I know, it is those who are most in need and who got no help whatsoever, who work in industries where recovery is furthest away.
It’s depressing knowing that ‘everyone’ else has been back as normal for months if not for 18 months or more and even during that time when things were weird, they still got help whereas the government banned me from working in more ways than one.
It’s so clear that life has returned to 99% of normal for the rest but to me, noting has really changed and whilst the rest of the country think of the Prime Minister as just an incompetent adulterous, lying oaf… I dislike him more than words can say.
I just don’t feel a belonging to this place any more. I am Excluded in every way and I miss a sense of belonging to anything. A country, a place, a family, anything really. The U.K. isn’t worthy of me but Ukraine is.
I can’t ever imagine wanting to fight for my country as it’s no longer mine and I know just how little the tens of millions of people who have done so well these last few years or even before that, care about people like myself. Going to Ukraine to fight would give me so many things that make life worth while but which are entirely lacking in mine, as it is.
I miss working, I miss having a purpose, a future or even a single thing to look forward to. I miss not feeling heartbroken or lonely or unvalued. I miss not being cold. I miss going weeks without having the briefest conversations to anyone or even months without even the most fleeting physical contact.
I miss not feeling empty, in my head, heart and all too often in my stomach. I miss having clothes with multiple holes in them, even those given to me second hand. I miss them fitting me or being what I’d choose to wear. I miss being happy.