Coronavirus Diary 87 : Down and still out

I don’t know about you but I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the invasion of Ukraine and a huge part of me wants to help-out. Not just in the donating clothes and powerpacks way but to actually go there and fight.

I feel such disillusionment with my own country and despise the government and people like Boris Johnson with every fibre of my being for deliberately making me Excluded for 2 years and typically as with the people I know, it is those who are most in need and who got no help whatsoever, who work in industries where recovery is furthest away.

It’s depressing knowing that ‘everyone’ else has been back as normal for months if not for 18 months or more and even during that time when things were weird, they still got help whereas the government banned me from working in more ways than one.

It’s so clear that life has returned to 99% of normal for the rest but to me, noting has really changed and whilst the rest of the country think of the Prime Minister as just an incompetent adulterous, lying oaf… I dislike him more than words can say.

I just don’t feel a belonging to this place any more. I am Excluded in every way and I miss a sense of belonging to anything. A country, a place, a family, anything really. The U.K. isn’t worthy of me but Ukraine is.

I can’t ever imagine wanting to fight for my country as it’s no longer mine and I know just how little the tens of millions of people who have done so well these last few years or even before that, care about people like myself. Going to Ukraine to fight would give me so many things that make life worth while but which are entirely lacking in mine, as it is.

I miss working, I miss having a purpose, a future or even a single thing to look forward to. I miss not feeling heartbroken or lonely or unvalued. I miss not being cold. I miss going weeks without having the briefest conversations to anyone or even months without even the most fleeting physical contact.

I miss not feeling empty, in my head, heart and all too often in my stomach. I miss having clothes with multiple holes in them, even those given to me second hand. I miss them fitting me or being what I’d choose to wear. I miss being happy.

About Stephen Liddell

I am a writer and traveller with a penchant for history and getting off the beaten track. With several books to my name including several #1 sellers. I also write environmental, travel and history articles for magazines as well as freelance work. I run my private tours company with one tour stated by the leading travel website as being with the #1 authentic London Experience. Recently I've appeared on BBC Radio and Bloomberg TV and am waiting on the filming of a ghost story on British TV. I run my own private UK tours company (Ye Olde England Tours) with small, private and totally customisable guided tours run by myself!
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6 Responses to Coronavirus Diary 87 : Down and still out

  1. ThingsHelenLoves says:

    I’m sorry you feel low, Stephen. Life is very tough for so many at the moment, isn’t it? I hope you can find your sense of hope and purpose again.

    I really enjoy your blog posts and the mix of thought provoking, informative and quirky reading they bring my way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you need to call someone like the Samaritans. This is so low you need to talk to more than the internet. Be strong and take advice.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I feel the same way & I’m 61 years old & horribly arthritic. But I’m an awesomely good shot.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ThingsHelenLoves says:

    Has anyone heard from Stephen? I’m a little concerned about him. This post sounds a bit worrying and it’s not like him not to reply or like comments.

    Stephen, if you read this could you let me know that you are ok. I truly hope you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ThingsHelenLoves says:

      I’m happy to see you’ve liked this, Stephen. I’m now hoping I’m not coming across as a interfering old trout! Thank you for letting us know your ok.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kelly MacKay says:

    I am listening. Your voice is sad and I hope you can find a bright spot to look forward to. If you can go for walk do it, if not open the curtain and let the light in.

    Liked by 1 person

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