You know how it is; at best you’ve been living miserably, having minimal social contact and at worst you’ve been Excluded from all help and Shielded at home alone for 16 months. With some of freedoms tantalisingly close to hand, you might want to look for that special someone.
But what happens if if you don’t want to be seen out and about and allowing bored neighbours to have something to gossip about. Fear not for our situation is not entirely new and so you’ll be glad to know that help is at hand from centuries ago.
Late Georgian inhabitants of Newcastle frequently sought the advice of Black Jacky Johnson who lived on Dog Bank. It was said he owned a copy of the great magician Cornelious Agrippa’s manual to the dark arts. He was feared by locals, even criminals were wary of his black magic.
“Now some might scoff and some might sneer but when they’re in dire need it’s Jackie they come to. I’ve the eye you see, not the eyes that gaze out upon the street and see little but the inner eyes which see all.
“The mind is like a foreign land, unmapped territory, whose distant currents and eddies we only dimly perceive. I’d have my client under in seconds, almost before they knew, delving, like a surgeon or an artist to give life to the colours of the mind.
“Now, to business: Let’s say a gentleman needs to call upon a lady but her family is not too keen. Would it not help his path to courtship if he was invisible? Well, first you find a black cat make sure it doesn’t have a single white hair on its body.
“On a Sunday, during the time of divine service, boil the cat for three hours. Cut out the cat’s heart and dry it in an oven, one that’s never been used before, till it’s reduced to a fine powder.
“Conceal this powder in a churchyard, and visit it each night at precisely midnight for seven consecutive nights. On the seventh you will encounter another who will walk with you to the churchyard gate.
“You must give half the powder to him as soon as you arrive. The rest of the powder is yours, and forever after, whenever you carry it you will remain invisible. Trust me, never fails.”
I hope this helps a few people, I particularly like the part about meeting a stranger on the seventh night; obviously if you fail to meet a stranger on the seventh night then the cat had a white hair somewhere and you killed it for no reason at all!