Today would have been my mothers 64th birthday, her first since she unexpectedly died almost a year ago so I thought it was high time that I caught up with her and updated her with some of my news and thoughts.
it’s been almost a year since I wrote to you on that very sad day when I came to see you. I think about you every day and love you so very much.
It has been a funny old year without you. I’m glad that you saw me decide to set up my own business. It is beginning to take off in leaps and bounds and I have several tours lined up for just next week which should be fun.
My writing is coming on well and as you can see, my blog is still going strong even without its biggest fan. You wouldn’t believe the hundreds of messages I received in the weeks after you died. As you would say, there are still lots of nice people in the world.
I published two books last year, one dedicated to you of course and another that went on to become an Amazon best-seller. I’m sure you would have been very impressed. Just this week I am finishing of my ww1 history book too.
Last summer was very lonely without you and Emilia missed not having anyone to surprise her and have a quick Pimms with. The weather was actually very hot for much of the summer, I’m sure that you would have liked it for a few days and then complained that it was too hot!
We went on holiday to north Norfolk last September with Dave. We had a lot of fun as it is very pretty and quiet there. We went to lots of old country houses and had several picnics and stops at tea-shops. One day we did nothing but go to old churches, they were all open for us to explore and Dave played some of the organs which Emilia and I loved as it was like having a private little concert!
We’d like to move there one year soon, once we sort out our money and decide what we want to do with our lives. At one point we were looking at buying a run down holiday cottage in Normandy or Sicily for just a few thousand pounds. Some didn’t have a roof or floors which is why they were so cheap, we would have called our holiday cottage Casa Susan.
We went to Paris in February, it was lovely and we walked miles every day. Maybe in the autumn we might go to France or Belgium again and visit all the war sites. If we do I’ll be sure I look up Reuel Dunn, I only found out a few weeks ago that he is buried near where I went about 10 years ago so I probably drove right past him.
We have been busy with our house and just after Christmas we finally got rid of the old owners woodchip wallpaper. We got decorators in to do it and within minutes they had broke their tools! Now we have a nice modern and colourful house all the way through with crimson and burgundy poppies and magnolia going up the walls which you would have loved.
It’s hard to believe that just a year ago we had bought you a birthday treat of tea and sandwiches at The Grove. I’m so glad that you enjoyed it and I still have your thank-you card which you wrote just a few days before you died. It must have been very Downton Abbey there.
I have been in the garden quite a lot this week. I remember when you would visit, whatever everyone else was doing, you’d always come and sit with me in the garden when I was working. This year I have planted strawberries, potato, parsnip, carrot, peas, beans, lettuce, pumpkin, leeks, onions, garlic and spring onions! The rhubarb is growing fast and we have lots of blossom on the fruit trees which is lucky as several trees blew over last autumn.
Emilia says that she misses you every day and that sometimes she cries in the dark on the way to work. I miss you too and think of you every minute of every day and as I work from home I don’t have to just cry in the dark. For the first few weeks after you died I noticed lots of people who looked like you, at least from behind and I would hope or even expect that it was you but it never were.
I still have the last sandwich that you made for me that day you came round after your birthday. I didn’t have the heart to eat it as it was all I had left of you so I have put it in the freezer. Maybe I shall have it in 2 weeks time.
Everyone else says that they still feel that you are around but I have to say that I have never really had the feeling or maybe I do and I just miss you too much. I still remember how when I came to kiss you goodbye that all the lights flickered off twice at just that precise moment which is all I need to know. It’s funny as we used to talk about that sort of thing a lot with Grandma so I know that is your sign a long with a few other things I have noticed.
I still feel it is unfair that you have died so young, exactly the same age as Grandma. Though I know many others do too and much younger, I can’t help but notice that most live at least until their 70’s or 80’s. So I guess I feel sad for myself as well as for you. Pretty much everyone I know who are older than you still have their mothers and a few have said how sad it was when their mother died recently and I think to myself that they are as old as you were and you had your mother all that time.
Can you believe it was my 40th birthday a few weeks ago? I am sure that you would have got me the biggest card ever. I miss the little bits and pieces that you used to bring round. No one else seems to do that. Emilia saved up and got me an iPad Air for a joint Christmas and birthday present which I love. I use it all the time, everywhere I go. It was expensive but I get good use of it and you know me, I prefer few things that are really good than lots of rubbish.
We’re going out to celebrate your birthday tomorrow. We’re going to ‘Jimmys World Food Grill’, I remember I told you about it for my birthday last year. They have such nice food from all over the planet. It is hard not to eat too much so I tend to concentrate on the Lasagne, Chicken curry and that sort of thing.
Do you remember how I used to stay up late and watch scary films with you even if you went to sleep before the end. I’m not entirely sure a 5 year old should have watched Halloween but it was just the first of hundreds that I have watched since. I don’t have anyone to watch them with now except for one or two friends. Scary movies aren’t at all Emilia’s thing!
Do you remember when we watched The Sixth Sense? I often think of that one scene where they the Cole’s mother finds out the answer to her question.
Cole Sear: [of his grandmother] She wanted me to tell you…
Lynn Sear: Cole, please stop…
Cole Sear: She wanted me to tell you she saw you dance. She said, when you were little, you and her had a fight, right before your dance recital. You thought she didn’t come see you dance. She did. She hid in the back so you wouldn’t see. She said you were like an angel. She said you came to the place where they buried her. Asked her a question? She said the answer is… “Every day.” What did you ask?
Lynn Sear: Do… Do I make her proud?
I’d do anything to have one last hug and tell you how much I love you. Do you remember how I would be the only person who would give you a huge hug and lift you right up into the air every time I saw you. However much I say, will leave even more left unsaid so I should finish here.
Thinking of you every day, give my love to everyone in Heaven and Ben the chien too.
All my love, your number 1 son!
PS You’re the best Mam in the world xxxx
For those who want to read the many messages any my original posts of nearly a year ago, they are here.