The Fox News Guide To Britain

Following the sad events in Paris last week, an alleged terrorist expert by the name of Steven Emerson appeared on Fox News over the weekend and proclaimed that there were areas of London that had Muslim gangs patrolling the streets to enforce an Islamic dress-code as well as incredibly writing off entire cities such as Birmingham as being entirely Muslim.

Mr Emerson is a regular contributor to Fox News and was appearing on Judge Pirro, a show hosted by the failed Republican politician Jeanine Pirro. 

Ms Pirro responded to her guest’s claim that the British government doesn’t “exercise any sovereignty” in Birmingham by saying: “You know what it sounds like to me, Steve? It sounds like a caliphate within a particular country.”

The Prime Minister called Steven an idiot and everyone else thought much worse him whilst British television channels interviewed large numbers of  generally white and non-Muslim people who seem mystified by the whole thing.  Only 21% of the 1 million plus Brummies are Muslim but maybe the locals just haven’t got access to the Fox News intelligence sources.

Soon Steven Emerson came on the BBC to apologise to the beautiful city of Birmingham which caused Popular Muslim comedian Adil Ray who hails from Birmingham to suggest he was clearly talking nonsense as Birmingham is not a beautiful city.  Like most other people over here, he was surprised how any such nonsense can be broadcast on a news network and said that maybe it was due to the city of Birmingham gaining its name from Muslims who burn ham and other pork products.  In this spirit, I am going to lower the tone of my blog to Fox News levels and today present you the Fox News Guide To Great Britain.

Liverpool – These days we have carpools but due to a genetic mutilation, the people of this great city are frequently born with missing Livers.  In order to function, the people of the city pooled together their Livers to enable people to go about their business.  It was a big communist success and was the inspiration of the NHS.

Norfolk – This beautiful rural county has an ancient law that forbids eating with cutlery.  Residents have to eat with their hands as they have no knifes, spoons nor forks.

Suffolk – The county of Suffolk is actually the precursor to Southfork in Dallas.  Unbelievable as it may seem, Miss Ellie took her name from the nearby city of Ely.

Manchester – This now thriving city wasn’t always as sophisticated as it was now.  In historic times in order to differentiate between the women and men of this city, men would run around the streets with their shirt buttons opened revealing their chests.  They often did so when they travelled around the country too which immediately made it obvious that they were a Manchester.

Leeds – Leeds actually invented dog leads and was the city where the very first crime was solved after police stumbled across their first lead.

Alloa – The small Scottish town doesn’t get all the fame due to it as it is thought that the very first Polynesian people originated from here and they made it all the way to Hawaii.  They are still proud of their origins though and their Aloha greeting can be heard throughout the islands.

Cornwall – The beautiful unique county gets its name from the giant pre-historic wall of corn that stretches along its eastern boundary.  Despite numerous attempts, the people of neighbouring Devon failed to break through the wall until alas fire was discovered.  Cornwall was conquered and its treasures of ice-cream, pasties, surfing and old peoples homes were spread throughout the world.

Newcastle – The city I called home goes to great length to stick to its name.  Despite indications that the newcastle was built by the Romans, it was actually constructed in 2014 with great effort made to make it look very old.

Nottingham – The founding city of the Boy Scouts and Navy.  Infact other things such as bag straps and shoe laces were all created by the residents of this city who have an ancient obsession with knots.

Hampshire – The word Hamp is actually old English for running round the village totally naked whilst stuffing as many cream cakes and teas as they can on mid-summers day.  By 500AD it became clear that one part of the country above all were naturally keen and talented at this and in their honour, the county of Hampshire came into being.

Angles – Talking of the old English, which has its origins with the Angles people.  The Angles were skilled mathematicians and are credited with inventing trigonometry.  Evidence of this can be seen across the country by the many fantastic Norman castles and cathedrals with all  their precise angles.  The Normans actually came to conquer the country as William The Conqueror was always failing his maths tests and he knew that in order to be a successful King that he had to obtain the secret mathematical knowledge across the seas.

Derby – Home of horse-racing! It’s other sports teams are forbidden from playing any other team outside a 5 mile radius as all sports here must be local derbies.  Not too far away is the town of Rugby, where many people think the sport of Rugby was invented.  Fox News viewers though will attest that it was invented in the nearby city of Soccer.

Leicester – The people from this city are entirely untrustworthy, they can never ever tell the truth, hence the name of the city.

Bournemouth – Not many people, not even in Britain are aware that Neanderthals didn’t completely die out.  In fact a few remain here where people are given birth through the mouth of their mother.  Obviously this is very difficult which is no doubt why Neanderthals died out elsewhere.

Hull – This industrial city was where much of the nations ship building took place before boats moved along the coast to Mast where the sails and rigging were installed. Being very hardworking and once tried to build the biggest ship in the world but it was too big to float.  The ship’s hull sank in the river and its 250 foot high remains there to this day.

Isle of Man – This large island is entirely single-sex.  It is thought that the very first all-boys school originated here.

Isle of Wight – Many Fox News presenters actually have their ancestors originating from here.  If you’re black, brown or any other colour then you’re not getting in.  Neither am I or many other British though as due to selective breeding over thousands of years, the naturally white population has become mutated and now the island is entirely populated by albinos who look down on “white” people too.  They even changed their island name from ‘white’ to ‘wight’ as they want nothing more to do with us.

Essex – I’m not going to bring the tone of this post down any more by making jokes about sex, villages called piddle or arse or anything else.  Essex is much derided but actually home to a talking tree which is obviously the foundation for the talking and walking trees in Lord of the Rings.  In olden times people would visit this tree and ask questions of it as it was known for its wisdom much like the Greek Oracle.  If you doubt me, go to google maps and type in Braintree.  I rest my case!

Porthmadog – The Welsh are just as crazy as the English and that goes for their pets too.  None more so than the story of Crazy David Jones who would sail his fishing boat from port to port shoving leeks up his nose and challenging the locals to shove other vegetables in other orifices of their bodies.  Eventually the people of coastal Wales got fed up of this and a beautiful celtic witch came down from the mountains and turned Crazy David Jones into a dog.  Even as an animal David Jones was a crazy old thing but he was no longer able to steer his boat and was reduced to barking abuse and biting anyone who came near his harbour.    We know this place today as Porthmadog.  Not too far away is the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch which in Welsh is shortened form of the Welsh word for rain.

Dumfries – This little but pretty Scottish town has an embarrassing secret.  For 18 out of 20 years between the 2 world wars the restaurants here came bottom of the UK National Fish and Chips IQ competition.  They might taste really good but even the mayor of the place was forced to concede that all around him were dumb fries.

For those of us who don’t watch or can’t watch Fox News, I hope this helps you get the idea of real Britain.  Perhaps Fox News or Steven Emerson might want to use this as a reference document in future.